Pure Joy! That is what I felt when I found out I was having baby #2! Followed by nerves, excitement, more nerves, and then happiness. (And maybe a couple more nerves.)
My husband and I have been quite lucky when it comes to “getting pregnant.” With our daughter, we got pregnant the very first time. Literally, the VERY FIRST time. You can imagine my husband’s disappointment when he said, “We are done trying?” Ha! Obviously, we were elated.
I am one of those women who LOVED being pregnant. I really did. I didn’t have morning sickness. I didn’t feel tired. I loved feeling my baby kick inside of me, loved watching my bump grow, loved carrying around my unborn child, for all the world to see. It was a feeling of pride, a feeling of “look what we did!”
When my water broke at 35 weeks, I was afraid of not being pregnant, along with the terrifying thoughts of having a preemie. (A different story for a different day). It was easy to nurture, grow, and love a baby inside, but now I had to take care of this baby outside, in the real world?
I remember missing my baby bump after my daughter was born, missing those kicks in the middle of the night, missing those instinctive belly rubs I swore I would never do. Why do women do that? So naturally, when we decided to try for baby number two, I couldn’t wait to be pregnant again.
Fast forward to getting pregnant the second time around… I was ecstatic! I couldn’t wait to experience all of those pregnancy feelings again. And then, came the morning sickness, the exhaustion, the food aversions to the things I love. Wow! It was very different the second time around. I remember counting down the minutes, days, weeks, until the glorious 2nd trimester.
At 9 weeks pregnant, I went to the doctor for my first appointment. The hugs, the congratulations, the “now you are pregnant reminders” (what you can’t eat or drink, heart rate concerns while working out, etc.). Ok, got it! Next up, the ultrasound!
Remember when I said this pregnancy was different? Well, it was about to be much more different than I ever imagined. There, on the screen, was the perfect fetus sac, but it was completely empty. My heart started racing, I could practically hear my heartbeat echoing through the room. But, the baby’s heartbeat? It was not there, and that is when everything went silent. What? Really? This can’t be happening to me. I didn’t know what to say, think, or how to act. I held my composure, smiled (at least I tried), and walked to my car after the appointment. That is where I started to cry.
I was sad, very, very sad. I called my husband, called my mom, but I was still so sad. I kept thinking, but it could have been worse – I was only 9 weeks pregnant. Telling myself, “you never saw the heartbeat, you weren’t that attached, you will be ok.” But you know what? I wasn’t OK, and that was completely OK.
I allowed myself to be sad. I really did. Maybe not in front of everyone, but I allowed myself to cry, to wish things were different, and to feel sadness. Was I strong through the process? Absolutely. I don’t think any woman can make it through a miscarriage without being strong, but we have to accept our emotions and what we feel in order to find that strength.
Why am I telling you all of this? Why have I talked “to you” throughout this post? Because, if you have gone through this, I want you to know you are not alone. Truly, we are not alone! Once I opened up about my miscarriage, guess what so many women said. “I had a miscarriage too!” We just never know how common they are because we, as a society, don’t really talk about them.
So, I am here to say, “TALK ABOUT IT!” Whether YOU have gone through this experience, your mom, sister, best friend, cousin, whomever it may be. Make it OK! As soon as I started to share my story, I felt a sense of relief. I was able to let go of a lot of held in stress, I didn’t even know I was carrying. You can share your experience in anyway you choose, and if you are on the receiving end, allow that person to feel the love they need and deserve. As moms, we encourage our children to talk to us about whatever it is that may be bothering them, why don’t we do the same?
Thank you for listening to MY story! I’m here to listen to YOU whenever you need it!